I've had something weighing on my mind for months now. It's been something that I've been going back and forth with and just can't seem to make a decision. And every time I think I've finally decided what I am going to do, I end up changing my mind. Typical chick, huh?
So, pretty much everyone knows I am getting re-married in October, right? Ya know the whole Elvis in Vegas deal. Anyways, my dilema is about changing my last name after I get married. Please know that I 100% a woman should take her husband's last name when they get married. I think it's utterly obnoxious when women hyphenate their last name or just keep their maiden name to prove a point. So it's not that I don't want to take Chris's last name. I do. But I keep thinking that maybe I should keep my current last name.
Why you ask? Because of my kids. They are still so little and I am afraid it will be weird for them if I have a different last name than they do. Especially where I have to sign things for the school and whatnot. I don't want a hassle over the fact I have a different last name as my kids. Especially since my little guy is only 2 1/2 and won't even be starting in the public schools for two more years. For the record, I did not take my maiden name back after I got divorced for the exact same reason.
I've brought it up to Chris a few times and I think he was offended, even though he wouldn't say so. And I get why. But it's literally not about him at all. I could go to court and have my name changed legally in a few years, once my kids are a little older.
So, I figured I'd see if anyone had any thoughts on it. Everyone I tell about it thinks I'm completely nuts and that the kids will be fine if I have a different name. And I honestly don't want to offend Chris, so I may end up taking his name, but am I crazy for thinking this way?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
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24 comments:
I know a lot of women who use their husband's last name socially, but on their "papers" they haven't changed their name. So they'll introduce themselves with the new last name, use it in facebook, emails, etc., but when it comes to official documents like the bank or their academic records, it's all in their original name. That seems to save a lot of hassle for them.
I also think your kids will understand if you have a different last name. My son is 2.5 and he doesn't even know what a last name is. They always have the option of taking their step-father's last name when they're a bit older.
WOW, what a good question and certainly shows your heart's allegiance for your children. I bet your man to be will be able to help with this decision. But, for teachers for other child related issues I can see your point- in addition to your children have same name of course. Whatever you decide it will be with much heart and that is about all you can do---(maybe I'd keep my name, change it later)
You're not crazy!! I went through the SAME exact thing! I got remarried in October of '07 and had two kiddos from a previous marriage. I felt so guilty to think of my children having a different last name of mine. In fact I didn't end up changing my name until August of '08, almost a year later! I still feel guilty because now we have a little one and one of my babies has my last name, but the other two don't.
I'm pretty sure that one day my older kiddo's will make the decision to change their last name. I'm going to leave it up to them. {My hubby is all they know as Dad and they've already said that they want their last name to be the same as ours.}
Anywho, it's normal to feel what your feeling. You're not crazy at all. Just remember in this day in age it's normal, and I don't think your kiddo's will think anything of it.
Oh my word, we've lived the same life! lol I remarried two years ago...and I have 2 boys from my first marriage. This is what I did--and really, it was an intellectual/safety issue--not an emotional one. I wanted my new husband's name. BUT, as you say--your kids names are different--and as we had traveling planned and life in general is unpredictable; this is how I talked to my husband about it. Basically, in ANY situation--medical, emergency, traveling, school--I need to be able to whip out my drivers license/passport and CLAIM them. But as he has a son too--I also needed to be able to claim my new step son! So I did change mine legally, and all my IDs have four names on them. (NOT hypenated, mind you) My first, middle, old last name and then new one. I only use the old one when I'm at the kdis school, e-mailing teachers and all that....but it gives me great peace of mind in the crazy world we live in that my social security card, passport, and driver's license all make it clear that they "belong" to me---but yet again, my husband and I also "belong" together. The absolute LAST thing you need in an emergency is to have to explain such crap.
Again, try to remove the emotional stuff--this is really a safety thing. Our world is changing, so are our families.
I agree with Debbie. You are definitely not crazy. I think it is a sign that you are a great mother. Why not just call yourself one name and have your legal papers stay the same as your kids? Celebrities do it to, right?!
Not crazy! A big part of the reason I got married to my Chris was so that I would have the last name as Nathaniel and he wouldn't be confused. I have almost always had a different last name then my mom as she is on her third. I doubt that your ex would let them change their names and it's still early to do that. My birth father signed all legal rights to us away, he no longer paid child support and my Dad was able to adopt me and my brother and we now carry his last name. We did that when we were 10 and no one ever regretted it. We weren't seeing our biological dad anyway and that cleared him of his 'responsibilities' but your ex is still around. I completely understand wanting to have the same last name as your kids. Sucks that Chris was slightly offended but hopefully he will come around and you can always changed it later and so can the kids if they want too! My littlest brother is changing to Carroll in a few year. Now I've babbled long enough, your my first comment of the day so deal with it! Email me and we can chat more about it, I have to go get my kid stabbed with needles soon!
I adopted my 12 year old daughter when she was 3 1/2 and she knew her last name... we didn't change it, and occasionally the school calls and asks for Mrs. Robyn's Last Name and I just deal... I think it's totally up to you what you do... the kids and everyone else will deal with it :) I like pp suggestion of keeping your name on official documents like a second middle name but not hyphenating it... but know that the school will always call you Mrs Kids Name and your hubby's work will always call you Mrs Hubby's last name, cause they're programmed like that :)
By the same token, my Aunt who is a doctor kept her maiden name as her legal name, but assumes her hubby's name socially, so when I send invites to their house its to Drs. XXX and family not Dr. XX and Dr. XX and family...
No hard and fast rules exist these days so go with your gut and your heart :)
My oldest son had my maiden name when I married. Socially I was a Shrout but on paper I was stilla Boling. Now my son had HIS name legally changed and we are going to gether to get it all done formally on papers lol..
No, I don't think you're crazy. It does get confusing. But hubby's discomfort with you having another man's last name...totally understandable, right?
I don't know what the answer is for you. No help, I know.
Not that I am anywhere near re-marriage, but I have the same issue (if/when it happens). I think I have decided to keep kids name as middle, then add new one. That way I can just drop the new last name when dealing with kiddos.
I remarried and took my new husbands name. It would be insulting to my new husband to keep my old husbands name (even though kids are involved.) It can be a pain in the neck with dealing with the kids (teachers, doctors, etc.) but the sanity of my husband is more important than making my life easier.
Since I'm a new follower, I don't know how old your boys are, but when my mom remarried, she asked us what name we wanted. We kept our old names and she changed hers. It really wasn't that big of a deal with school or anything; it may take a few explanations at first, but just do what you are comfortable with. And I'm pretty sure my husband would be offended too if I didn't take his name... it's just part of the deal in my opinion :)
I was in the same position as you. I changed my last name to my hubby's last name. My kids are now 19 and 22. To the best of my knowledge, they never suffered for it.
This is more common than you'd think. It may have been awkward back in the 1970's but not so much anymore.
Can't answer your question for you...only you can do that. I just provided my own experience.
I have a different last name than my oldest, and the same last name as my youngest. There hasn't ever been an issue with having different last names- not at school or the Dr. We are giving him the choice as to what name he wants once he gets a little older, but he already uses the same name as us socially.
Ha! I'm one of THOSE women who will (if I ever get married) will keep my last name because I'm my father's only child and would love to carry on his name. As for children - I'm hoping that if I ever meet a man to marry that he will be willing and loving enough to adopt the Mancub and give the little fella his last name. So I'd end up having a different last name from my son anyway.
I don't think it makes a difference, your children know that you're their mom and that you love them. It's not going to matter at all. As for schools - I don't think they're too much of a hassle on the whole last name thing. They didn't give my parents issues when they were going through the three year adoption process and I still had my biological parents' last name.
As always the question goes, "What's in a name?"
Can you hyphenate it?? Mine was Crawford and I hyphenated it and added my hubby's name.
I never changed my name, but I don't feel it's because I'm obnoxious and I'm not trying to prove shit.
Honestly
#1 I don't like my husband's last name it may be shorter than mine, but it's just as confusing and nobody can pronounce or spell it.
#2 I hate my Father-in-Law more than life and don't want any ties to that bum. Sorry, just being honest. I actually begged hubs to change his name since he loves my dad, etc. I have a male friend who actually did this because he was sick of being stereotyped by his Jewish last name. Personally, I'd welcome his last name! Two syllables and easy to say and spell!
I'm also a published writer and known by my maiden name and career-wise I didn't want anyone getting confused. I hyphenate my name on Facebook "for show" but have never changed it legally.
I see your point in keeping it for the kids, but essentially you need to do what's best for you and you will make the right choice regardless.
I guess I'm more of an off-beat thinker, I don't understand the idea behind a man in today's day and age "owning" his wife and having to take on his family name once married. Even with our vows, I made sure the minister said "husband and wife" and not "man and wife" ...
I think Chantel has the right idea. Really the kids aren't going to understand anything name wise now, but with school and such it will be so much easier if "all" your names are on your personal documents...
I haven't had to face this issue (one husband, one kid, one name) but I have to tell you that in my son's school just as many people have different names as have the same name. Between divorces, never being married, etc., I would say we are the exception rather than the rule. People correct the name (no, I am not Mrs. So-and-so, I am Mrs. new-name) and people don't think twice about it.
Ok, personal questions here I would have to ask for a real opinionated answer of mine.. but, here is what I would do: Are your kids fathered by your fiance? Because, if not, he can legally adopt them with you still having custody of them as well (naturally). If he is the father, then it just makes sense to this anyways.. But, why don't you get your children's names changed right along with yours? That way you all have the same last name, no hurt feelings, no issues with paper signing and hospitals visits, etc. (I say about the adopting because it would probably make the name changing easier when it comes to the kids).
Anyways, that's just what I would do. Something to keep in mind..
I understand how you feel and fortunately kids adapt much better than we do and the things that stress us, they take in stride. My father died when I was a toddler, I had a brother and a sister, mom remarried and we got a new sister who had the same last name as mom and (new)dad, we told her she was adopted! When I remarried my daugther did and still does, take it in stride. She has her Daddy's name and loves that connection with him that no one else has.
kayla, no they are not his. If they were, they would have had his name all along and it would be a non issue. My ex is still very active in their lives and they will keep their last name. And nothing is too personal for me, lol! I am soooo not shy!
I'm not one to tell anybody what to do.... But I'm all for the children.... Your soon to be hubby will understand, and you can change your name (and possibly their names) later....
I can understand. I have one child from a previous relationship and another with my husband. my older son has his father's last name, I had mine, and my husband had his. I didn't change my name until I lost my wallet and had to apply for a new ID. I think my son likes the fact that his name is his connection to his dad. I still get called Mrs. Kehoe at school even though my is Walsh, but I don't care, either way he knows he mine. Do what you are most comfortable, or least uncomfortable with.
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